i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize