I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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