I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
