Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i now understand why vodka
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
