Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize