This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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