he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
