I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
