thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
