She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
