GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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