Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
