It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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