your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
