u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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