we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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