my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize