i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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