I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
