Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize