My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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