I am in a vortex of obligation.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
love makes seman taste better
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
