she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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