I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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