So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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