Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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