I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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