I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Randomize
