i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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