Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Couch. On fire.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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