the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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