Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
