Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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