I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
