I wish my penis had an off switch
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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