Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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