Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
