there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
