dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
