Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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