If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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