Please, let me fuck your mom
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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