i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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