No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
