Swine flu. Run for my life!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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