its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize