you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
