Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
