Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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