i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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