today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize