I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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