Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
