So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Randomize
