More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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