A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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