Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize