Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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