i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
