New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
