we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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