need another drink. this is the easiest way
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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