Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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