Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
