I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
