I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
