last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
