apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
