Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
