I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
