oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
