I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
