Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
